The American Walk
Hey, It Is Just My Opinion!
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Keep an Eye on Your Cousin

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?"

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. 
But!!!
If he knows as little about canoeing as I think he does, he's out swimming."
The Pearly Gates

One day a man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Surprised St. Peter said we were not expecting anyone at this time and I don’t have the book, so tell me have you ever done anything of particular merit, any selfless act, anything?”

“  Well, I can only think of one thing”, the man offered.  "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  Then I yelled to the rest of them, "Now, back off!!  Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "Well you certainly laid it on the line for this woman, but I don’t see it recorded here, when did this happen?"

To which the man looking at his watch replied, “Just about 3 ½ minutes ago..."
Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad:
"If you see me running, try to keep up."
The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has
to be mowed!
Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
Then there is the Legend of Bilious Stinebalm who was such a consummate and practiced liar that any teller of tall tails became known as being one filled with the spirit of Bilious Stinebalm; which over time proved so cumbersome that people today have shortened it to simply "full of BS"...
J. Haynes Original
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
Good Old American Hummer
North to Alaska

There was a man named Vic was living in the Silicon Valley who was a battered victim of the tragic and devastating Dot COM Wars back about 01.  Now Ol’ Vic decided that he had to get out and start over.  So headed up north to Alaska.  He ended up in a little town called Devils Armpit, about forty miles north east of Skagway in the Yukon Territory.  After settling down a bit, he decided to visit the local bistro and meet some of the towns gentle folk, witch by the way turned out to be mostly a bunch of scruffy old men.  But Vic was a friendly sort so tried striking up a conversation with some of them but was met with only silence and cold stares.  Undaunted, he decided to buy a couple of rounds of drinks for the house.  Still only silence and not even a thank you, just like home he thought.  He finally turned to the bartender and said; “Friend, these folks seem somewhat reluctant to even speak to me, why is that”?  The man looked him in the eye and said, “Well Sport, these men are real life sourdoughs, blood thicker than molasses and enough gravel in their gut to spit paved highway, they don’t cotton to just anybody.  Besides, word is, that your from Cal-if-or-ni-a, we hear’ed bout you people…  So if you want these men’s respect, ya got to earn it.”  So Vic asked him  just how he could do that, again the bartender looked him dead in the eye and told him there were three things he would have to do if he wanted to prove himself to be a true sourdough  and gain the respect of these men; 

1st.  He would have to drink a fifth of whiskey straight down out of the bottle, 

2nd.  He would have to kill a 10 foot Grizzly Bar with a knife,

And lastly, he would have to make love to an Eskimo Woman.

Without a word Old Vic determined to meet the challenges of his new life, reached over and grabbed a full bottle of JD Black Label and chugged it straight down to the last drop, threw the bottle in the appropriate Re-Cycling  container, and stormed out the front door.

Long about two and a half hours later the when party was getting hardy, the front door of that saloon burst open, and there stood Vic, clothes ripped to bloody shreds, blood gushing out of long gaping wounds all over his body, and his hair severely messed.  Resolutely, Vic staggers out  into the center of the room, pulls out his NRA Commemorative Bowie Knife, and yells “OK!  Now where’s that Eskimo Women I’m supposed to Kill!!!”

J. Haynes Original
May I Take Your Order, Sir

A waiter approached the man studying the menu carefully at the fancy restaurant.  "May I take your order, sir?" he asked. 

"Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chickens.”  The man replied. 

"Oh, it's nothing too special, sir”, the waiter confided.  "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Mom's Time Out

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. 

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. 

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. 

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. 

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Dinosaur Bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?'

The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.'

'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?'

The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
Think About It
American Humer